Dream became dream

Dream became dream. Sadness and sullen never stopped hunting me in my life. Something that I have been dreaming ever since uni’s life ended. I wasn’t sure what I wanted before in life. I am not like others who knows what they want to be after graduated. Growing up always puzzle about life. Question what I want to be after I finish study. Never thought anything. Because in my head all I thought was I’m not capable of anything. So I wasn’t sure of what I want to become. Until one day, where I discover something that interest me. Police Officer. That’s it. I can’t really recall what actually happened. Think it was a really good heartbreak. Failed in relationship again. Think that was it. I dont like to go into details about my failure from that relationship. But that was it. Since then, I know that I have to get my mental straight. Putting all my problems aside and focus on this one. Saying to myself “Fari.. you have to make it happen. Not for anyone else, but for you.” 2 years of waiting after I graduated, finally PDRM open the intake for Inspector position. With enthusiasm, passionate, I applied. Hoping that I got short-listed for this intake. And yes, I got called for physical test for the next coming 3 weeks. But it became dream now. Dream ended with dream. I know that I wont be able to do it this time around or even in future since I have gone major surgery for my illness.. slip disc. Its sad to accept that. Sometime I question myself, “aku tak redha dengan ujian Kau ke Ya Allah?”. Because thing has happened. You cannot undo Fariha.. its a part from your test. But this is just too heavy for me. Erm gosh I can’t believe I’m crying hard while writing this. Too painful. I failed at everything.. love and life. I’m fated and destined to be living like this. Too heavy Ya Allah. I’m not happy to be in banking industries. I pray that my brother Adib can fulfil this for me. I pray for you Adib, hoping that you can make it happen. I really want to see you in that uniform. You also wanted it. I know. May Allah ease that for you. Armed forces or Police officer, anything, you chase that for me. I sacrifice that for you bro. You can. I believe in you. If I die, I would be a proud sister. I know mama abah and akak too. Will be proud of you.

I cant continue writing, this is upsetting. 

Yours truly, 

Fari🩵